Heel Turn of the Week – Brett Ratner

Oh look at you. The craftsmen. Brett Ratner. The great visionary turned cinematic restorer. Let me guess you’re going to add bullet time and wires and CGI to a timeless classic. I know all of us Bruce Lee fans wait at baited breath all hoping this project can be half as good as your reimagining of the Hercules story. A story over 3 thousand years old, and you figured out how to disinterest an entire world with it. The only project Brett Ratner has been a part of that wasn’t an abject disaster was the Mariah Carey video for Heartbreaker, but if that video had an opportunity to run 80+ minutes I’m sure it would’ve been a chore to sit through. Everything Brett Ratner touches turns to clown shit. He comes into successful franchises and throws them into a nose dive. He made the worst X-Men movie. The worst Hannibal Lecter movie. He murdered the career of Chris Tucker. He’s done less for Eddie Murphy’s career than Eddie Murphy. The worst thing you could possibly say about Brett Ratner is if his life had a biopic it would be directed by Brett Ratner. He’s already on queue to direct Beverly Hills Cop 4. Bret Ratner is a soulless louse of a man who should be displaced into a mountain cave where he could not bother anyone for a while and think about what he has done to society. The fact this man thinks he has any right to take a piece of art like Enter the Dragon and remake it proves this man has no remorse. Through ideas like this and his previous work you can tell he has no feelings. He is a cold robot capable of only hurt. Someone has to stop this madness.

It’s obvious why Hollywood is seemingly obsessed with producing remakes of once popular TV shows or movies. Why spend time, money, and resources on cultivating a new idea when you can just rehash an old idea. A once popular film or show has a built in fan base that will blindly give it a shot. I can understand the business aspect
of this way of thinking but as a movie fan, I hate it. I don’t want to see “Blannie” with Jamie Foxx, I don’t want to see a new Karate Kid, I don’t want to see a new Bad News Bears. They try many different strategies to make remakes work. They call it “reimagining”, they just re do it with a different ethnicity, they’ll even try a “shot for shot” remake (i.e. Psycho) and it still doesn’t work. I want to see something new and original. The masses seem to give these retreads a try and a lot of the time, they even praise them. Their reasons are the same as the studio’s…it’s easy. It’s familiar, “Hey, I like the Duke boys, and now they’ve added Jessica Simpson’s tits…it has to be better!” It’s the same principle that has made Nickelback a successful band and Fast & Furious a successful franchise. A simple formula for an audience that doesn’t require a lot to be entertained.

That brings us to the issue at hand today. Brett Ratner is going to remake Enter the Dragon, arguably the greatest kung fu movie ever made. I’m sure there’s a “purist” somewhere that’s going to argue that some unintelligible mess spoken entirely in Korean or Japanese or something that isn’t English is better. It’s not. Die.

Certain movies can’t be remade. Gone With The Wind. Casablanca. On The Waterfront. Rocky. Ghostbusters. Enter the Dragon. Brett Ratner is treading on sacred ground here in an obvious cash grab by a man with no creativity employed by an industry with no creativity. Merle Haggard once sang, “Are the good times really over for good?” Even though Jed is recoiling in confusion and nausea that I quoted Merle Haggard, the answer appears to be yes. Especially if that asshole Brett Ratner has anything to say about it.

Comic Cast: Southern Dog

Somethings are just too obvious. Sometimes they are so obvious no one takes advantage of them. So when I tell you that Southern Dog is a werewolf story set in the southern United States you aren’t alone when you say to yourself, “I see what you did there.” In more ways than one this series surprised me and once again I am taken to a place I don’t walk often enough…..someone else’s shoes. Jeremy Holt has crafted a very personal story and revealed to me just how far the rabbit hole can go.

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Download Southern Dog on Comixology.
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TriConWV: Sean Forney

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In this second episode of TriConWV coverage Jesse Starcher and I chat with creator Sean Forney about his creator-owned comic Scarlet Huntress.

Sean Forney is a professional illustrator/comic book artist currently working on colors for a few comic projects to be announced soon. His recent color work can be seen in Marat Mychael’s Notti & Nyce and Blindside #2 (Contraband Comics), along with two covers for WarZone Girls #2 and #3 from Cyber Holdings, Inc. His pencil and ink work can be seen in Cut the Rope from Titan Publishing. A new issue of his creator-owned title Scarlet Huntress called Scarlet Huntress: Tales through Time was successfully funded on Kickstarter and will be released soon. Sean has also worked on Superbeasts (Mini Comics Included), Warlords of Wor (ManOrMonster? Studios), New-Gen New Dawn #4 (APNG Entertainment), Lego, Inc., Mice Templar Vol. 3: A Midwinter’s Night Dream trade (Image), Grimm Fairy Tales, Grimm Fairy Tales: Myths and Legends, Grimm Fairy Tales Swimsuit Issue, Grimm Fairy Tales Annual 2012 (Zenescope). He also completed color work on My Adventures with Spider-Man by Marvel and Identity Direct.

His pinup work can be seen in Moonstone’s Voltron: United and Drawn, Image’s Hack Slash: My First Maniac, Approbation’s Chaos Campus and DC’s Transmetropolitan Art Book. Sean has published work in the Panels on Pages 2012 and 2011 Fangirl of the Month Calendar and the Big Dog Ink Pinpoint 2011 Calendar, along with the cover to the Kaiju Kaos RPG. He created Star Wars promotional material for LucasFilm/Disney/Blue Planet Gear for the 2009 and 2010 Star Wars Weekends at Disney Hollywood Studios and used to spend his days coloring Bakugan illustrations for the national toy line. Sean co-created and illustrated Scarlet Huntress #1, Scarlet Huntress #2, Scarlet’s Guide to Cryptids, and a children’s book tie-in called Little Red Riding Hood: Origins of a Huntress.

Get your TriConWV tickets HERE!.
Follow TriConWV on Twitter @triconwv.
TriConWV’s Facebook.
Visit Sean’s Website.
Follow Sean on Twitter @seanforneyart
Sean’s Facebook.
Follow Tim on Twitter @thinblueghost.

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AlternaPodcast: Bill Oberst Jr.

In this second episode interviewing the cast and crew of The Chair I am brought face to face with The Warden, Bill Oberst Jr.

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Bill’s IMDb.
Visit Bill’s Website.
Follow Bill on Twitter @billoberstjr.
The Chair’s Facebook.
Visit The Chair’s Website.
Follow The Chair on Twitter @thechairhorror.
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Follow Alterna Podcast on Twitter @alternapodcast
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Trailer Nihilism – Terminator: Genisys

I loved Terminator so much that I look down upon the other movies in the franchise as wildly beneath it. Similar to how anyone looks at the Silence of the Lambs series of movies. T2 was mind blowing to me as a child and it was only after time and rewatching Terminator 1 that I realized what a hunk of shit Judgement Day was in comparison. Sarah Connor went from a shitty waitress in 1984 who meets a guy from the future, bangs him with no condom, takes the seed and after a couple years is now a Nicaraguan Freedom Fighter turned assassin? Waitress turned combat expert capable of holding off a T-1000 and ultimately helping to kill it? How about after 1, as Arnold grew as a star his character couldn’t be evil anymore. So they made him more and more human with more and more lines. The best part of 1 was that he was just a cold killing machine. The lack of violence? The 0 body count scene with the grenade launcher? I could go on why T2 is a huge let down, but the special effects still hold up to this day and at it’s absolute worse it was an exceptionally fun movie experience.

The biggest fault however, is it brought about the logical progression into T3. Watching the Terminator, a machine with a computer program, override his fucking programming because he felt a true love for John Connor 2.0 was honestly 100 times worse than the holocaust. The descent into humanizing the Terminator, coupled with the typical action movie faults of trying to add in comedic relief and strong woman and children roles. Remember when Arnold put on the stupid sunglasses in T3?

Well I do, and it killed me inside.

Which brings us to today. I skipped Terminator 4, and by what I sat through on the Superbowl I can’t imagine not skipping this one. Also we are up to Terminator 5? Really? With 3 massive rehauls after 2, 3 and 4 in production teams, writers, directors, actors, etc. why don’t we just let the thing die already? James Cameron has nothing to do with this pile of shit, and he has the integrity of a fucking louse. Imagine having so little morals that you would be a part of this? It would take someone involved with the Marvel franchises to play a role in it. Directed by the guy who did Thor 2, you say? Well color me shocked.


0:08
Right off the bat fuck the spelling of this movie. I know I probably should have addressed this earlier but the intro ran a little long and this needed to be said. Moreover on this screen shot, futuristic planes huh? Where would the future be with everyone’s imagination if not for blue illumination? It’s everywhere in every movie. Would this thing even fly? That can’t possibly be aerodynamic. THAT’S how big engines are now for a fuselage the size of a honda accord huh? I say this all the time, but if this is the future I hope I die in the present. Also flying over the Hollywood sign huh? Thanks for making it real to me, after I saw this trailer that’s actually how I wished Hollywood would look like anyways.


0:20
Couldn’t spend a buck and not get the pyrotechnics from a minor league baseball game? The production cost of this movie was 13 million dollars LESS than Terminator 3, a movie made 12 years ago by a better director that still looked like absolute frog shit. With inflation this movie has the budget of fucking Mallrats. Also who designed these guns? These are guns I wouldn’t even pick up in Halo. I understand they are the resistance but in all honesty I’m 20 seconds in and I am siding with the machines already. Kill us, harvest our organs and use them for hydraulic fluid. If you look closely in the background you can actually see someone giving up.


0:30
The rallying scene of the resistance is going to be a part of every movie from now on isn’t it? I liked Braveheart, but if I knew what that horseback speech was going to give birth to I wish it had never been made. Just kidding, I love Mel Gibson and want him to be richer and crazier. Also for a rebel alliance, they are very well lit, maybe things aren’t so bad. Nice tactical vest dick, what have you got in the pockets? Robot killing bombs? Go fuck yourself. This movie sucks.


0:45
Future combat handshakes of the forearm grab somehow upset the polls and outgayed the naked man to a clothed man proximity in this scene. Why did someone see that in a movie in the early 90s and continue to bring it around to make multiple appearances in different movies even up until this day? How did forearm grabs even become a thing? If someone grabbed my forearm as part of an embrace, I would gather my belongings and just leave the situation. The naked man is currently volunteering to go back in time to save John Connor’s mother(something I think that was addressed IN THE FIRST FUCKING MOVIE) from a robot assassin, and he forearm embraces him? I would refuse and put my clothes back on and ask him to never bring the matter up again. Also how did you find out about another robot plan to go kill your mom? Did you interrogate another robot you captured?


1:16
Ewwwwww a heroine and a repeated catch phrase. Why do you continue to do this to people? Why punish your audience like this? Why is Sarah Connor a fucking waitress and now she is power-sliding armored trucks into department stores and holding off the new Asiany version of the T-1000? Just did some imdb-ing and it’s the stupid dragon lady from Game of Thrones. She is thoroughly intolerable. I have no problem with women hero figures in action movies, but don’t bully an audience into seeing them in a movie franchise that never had any intention of sitting through one. It just seems like moral coaching by the producers of Hollywood and I hate that. Later in the movie she yells at the guy being sent back in time to ‘RUN’ while she drops the cover fire. What are we watching? How long until she figures out time travel and jumps into the future and kills a robot or something? Also how is she getting younger as time goes on?


1:21
Eh. Just, eh. If you watch the trailer he absolutely has the cold dead stare and mannerisms down of Robert Patrick, but let’s review Robert Patrick’s career real fast. He’s an atrocious actor so let’s not pretend like he had impossible shoes to fill. Just impossible for Kristina Lokken(worst actress ever). Full disclosure: I’m glad liquid metal guy is back, I’m glad Robert Patrick is gone, but this movie is still an albatross of horseshit and it just crashed onto my lap. Maybe if I see this movie someday I’ll cheer for him to win. Please kill humanity. Hopefully someday machines become self aware and go back in time and kill James Cameron.


1:33

You.

How
Dare
You.

You’re the one I trusted in all of this. You were supposed to be better than this. How many yachts do you need to water ski behind? How many illegitimate children did you pump into maids? What the fuck is the matter with you? Without you this doesn’t get made. There is nothing to look at without you. You could’ve held out for a better project. Something that wasn’t rushed and embarrassing, gotten the right people aboard. Hollywood has ignored you since your return and you bail them out with this? THIS? This could have been the best action movie of the 2010s and it’s not even going to be the best killer robot movie of July 2015. Also you signed a contract that had the word ‘Genisys’ on it. I swear you should be dead to me. This is the disgusting part, you aren’t. I love you. I can’t stop loving you. You’re my fucking Austrian father and you don’t love me back. Arnold, I’m sorry I said anything, lets just forget the whole thing ever happened and lets go watch Conan….you signed on to do what?


1:50
Ahhh yes, the worsip of ones own mythos. Being a slave to the world previously created is the other opposite end of the spectrum that source material fan boys refuse to acknowledge. When all you do is masturbate to your own made up reality and start thinking things like ‘what ELSE happened in our fun imaginary world’ you get off on the deepest most convoluted boring stories that no one in the general audience could ever possibly find interesting. Matrix 2 and 3 are perfect examples of this. It’s basically being ship wrecked and chugging your own piss. If you filmed it and expected to make millions of dollars showing it to people.


2:13
Oh ok. Bus flips. Finally. Think back at how shitty T1 and 2 are now with out them.


2:23
I don’t actually mind the “I’ll be back” but when your answer to T1’s ability to build suspense and T2’s special effects and action scenes is some CGI blur of Arnold flying into a helicopter rotor then this tells you everything you need to know about this movie. Let’s draw them in with familiarity and then beat them over the tits with our new flashy lights on a screen. This movie will come and go and never be spoken of again. It will win no technical awards and 25 years from now when people will think about the Terminator franchise people will forget there was a 3,4 and 5. I will be dead, but I will be happy.

TriConWV: Harley Heartthrob

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I am proud to bring you our first episode devoted to the guest list of upcoming convention Tri-State Comic-Con. Our first guest is Marnie Riddell, also known as actor, pinup, and cosplay model, Harley Heartthrob. Born in Dublin, Ireland and raised in Cleveland, OH she received her Bachelor of Fine Arts in Theatre from The Ohio State University and toured with the Columbus Children’s Theatre for four years. She has appeared in several stage productions and a few independent films.

Since long before the term was coined, Marnie has been cosplaying. She has won Best in Show in costume contests at Derby City in Louisville, KY and Tricon in Huntington, WV as well as Best Female Hero for her portrayal of Hawkgirl at Wizard World Cleveland OH. She is proud to be Tricon’s first Ambassador of Cosplay.

Marnie is involved in charitable organizations such as Ladies of Liber-tease and Patriot Pin Ups that raise money for veterans and veterans’programs. She believes in giving back to the community and having fun while doing it. She hopes to continue her career as a successful pinup and cosplay model and inspire other girls with a similar dream to do the same. It’s never too late to follow your dream!

Get your TriConWV tickets HERE!.
Follow TriConWV on Twitter @triconwv.
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Visit Harley’s Website!.
Follow Harley on Twitter @harleyquinn182
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