The Morning After Raw for May 4, 2015

So I’ve been skipping a lot of Raw’s recently and I hope you have too. I didn’t even notice how bad King of the Ring was. After Wrestlemania Raw can be tedious, well Raw’s in the last 5 years have been tedious. I watched a month of Attitude era Raw’s on The Network and despite how silly a lot of it was one thing stood out. Raw had things happen and did not just follow a repeated formula. Raw needs an exciting night and not just because I’ve decided to watch. Raw is in a rut and we just got out of Wrestlemania week. Maybe I’ll be wishing for a while. Raw is live from Montreal and I look forward to Cena being vigorously cheered and carried around on the friendly crowd’s shoulders.

Randy Orton begins Raw and now that he’s just back to being a top of the card face I’ve completely lost interest in him. I know I have been beating the RKO drum and it’s despicable of me to abandon ship, but I’m also a coward and a flip flipping baby so fuck this I’m bored. It’s nothing against him, he’s great in the ring, strong on the mic, he’s just nothing when he’s settled into being either a face or a heel. Maybe in his new role in a 3 way match at Payback he can be a tweener and hold interest, or he can at least RKO everyone.

Reigns comes out and creative has decided to start the show off with the smarkiest audience the WWE ever visits with Reigns and Orton exchanging barbs in the center of the ring. We are at the point where Hitler would get cheered if he came out. So to test my theory….here come The New Day.

The New Day come out and perfectly mock Orton, mock Reigns, mock the audience, mock the concept of clapping and mock rhyme schemes. Wait… That was awesome. How dumb was everyone for trying to make these guys faces? Did they know to burn them down just to build them back up? That’s giving them too much credit.

The New Day vs Roman Reigns and Randy Orton

Nothing like following up a title win with a strong mic segment into a clean non-title loss. Maybe the New Day won’t win…maybe Orton or Reigns will take a pin? Sigh…. The match goes on to be rather entertaining with Orton taking the pin after an accidental Spear by Reigns. Kingston celebrates the pin like there was animosity between him and Orton or something.

Ryback comes out to be interviewed and I love the guy but to throw him in front of the Montreal crowd seems like a bad idea at helping him long term. It’s been like 2 months since he had a mic and now this is how you do this? After 2 minutes of Goldberg chants Ryback turns the audience on itself and has a very good promo after a great adlib that he will probably be punished for backstage. Awesome.

Wyatt eventually cuts him off and I’ve never been less impressed with him or his work than right now. Cena to Ambrose to Taker to Ryback huh Bray? Why doesn’t the new face of fear find something else to do than mess with a 3rd tier babyface that’s never done anything? What is the motive here? Girth? Both guys desperately need a win in this feud and I’m pretty sure they’ll both leave damaged.

Tyson Kidd and Cesaro w/Natty vs The Ascension

Hey guys, The Ascension are still here! Are Kidd and Cesaro being rebooted as faces? It’s not like the tag division is overflowing with strong personalities. Maybe a couple super friends main events won’t be as torturous to sit through with these guys taking the place of The Usos. Cesaro tags in and hits 12 consecutive running European Uppercuts and after the Big Spin into a Dropkick to the head it would appear I won’t have to see The Ascension for months again. Yay!

Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

How long until I can call this the new Kane vs Cena? This match has the illusion of something big but really is just becoming the repeated exercise in…

If Dean Wins he’s in the Payback Main Event
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

Oh well this will do. Ambrose and Rollins have had a ton of good matches over the last year. The only problem is they were all wins by Rollins on his way to becoming the biggest guy in the company. Ambrose was a stepping stone guy and I’m not sure he’s much more. This match however can go a long way in rebuilding Ambrose, or thoroughly destroying him. Powerbomb onto the barricade. That’s new. Wow. This match is very strong. J and J finally get involved despite being barred from ringside(keep in mind match are always never taken seriously in the WWE anymore because writing and continuity is hard) Ambrose rolls up Rollins, 123, and things will be interesting at Payback.

Rusev w/Lana vs Fandango

Lana Fandango’s. Rusev Crushes.

Stardust vs R-Truth

I mean…this match killed me last week. It actually hurt me. I don’t understand what I watched last week, I just know it hurt me. I can’t believe Vince’s affinity to having every black person lose up until it means I will feel less bad about things. Then he has a change of heart and punishes me.

R-Truth gets rolled up after he’s scared by a bag of fake spiders, also there was a cartwheel and I guess this is the only thing worse than Stardust losing clean.

John Cena comes out to deafening cheers by really cool people and a couple boos from people who I hope all go home to slaughtered love ones. Cena drops a brilliant reference to the Nordiques leaving town in 96 and I’m legitimately sad, then he plays up the home town hockey team to the Montreal audience and I now I honestly want him to be squashed by an Isis warlord. He did 100% turn the crowd though, Cena is just the best on the mic in the company. What a hunk.

And out comes Bret Hart… This is some titanic shit, WWE is going for some moments tonight. Bret says he’s here to introduce a great wrestler …and out comes Heath Slater and this segment is lava. I couldn’t be happier, now let’s have Slater pin Hart then pin Cena and… Slater gets taken out by Hart and Bret introduces…….Holy fuck.

United States Open Challenge Match
Sami Zayn vs John Cena (c)

Trips knows how to protect his guys. 3 minutes into the match Zayn is holding his shoulder and a doctor is checking on it. This is either the worst thing ever or NXT story continuity. Is Vince here? Is he still in the back telling Stardust he don’t use the fake spiders right? Vince has to see these reactions for NXT guys and thinking how The Usos and Sheamus and Reigns have never been this adored…and how he must punish the NXT guys for this.

STF. Koji Clutch. German Suplex. I know who’s going to win but I’m having so much fun on the way there and this is what makes Cena great. Flying through the turnbuckle DDT on the outside by Zayn, on Cena, on Monday Night Raw in Montreal. Not on Rhett Titus in an Elks Club on a Saturday to a half full crowd in Deerborn Michigan.

AA 1 2 kickout. Wow. Cena could’ve been a cunt backstage and not let the kid kick out of the AA but he didn’t. Because Cena is a better person than me. BLUE THUNDER BOMB ONE TWO THR-kick out. Wow. I just bought in for a second. This is fantastic. It’s not the most technical display but it’s fantastic wrestling match. Springboard Stunner. AA. 123. I love wrestling.

Cena leaves the ring an allows Zayn to take a bow. Wouldn’t it be great if this ended the show?

Tamina and Naomi beat up the Bellas. By the way Tamina sucks and Naomi is less bad but is still bad.

King Barrett and Sheamus vs Neville and Dolph Ziggler

Make these four guys into tag teams and have a huge multi-ppv run? No? Just randomly wading around in some weird third/second tier middle card? Ok then let’s just do that. This match has everything and I can’t get over the quality of matches tonight. King BNB connects with a HUGE Bull Hammer Elbow for the pin on Neville. Everything is improving tonight.

Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton

So J and J Security, Kane and Rollins all come down to the ring and… God who cares? The last 2 matches were fantastic what the shit is this now? Fuck it I’m going to bed.

Tonight’s Haiku
God I hate the Habs
I hate smark audiences
Really hate the Habs

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Cena vs Zayn
2 Rollins and Ambrose
3 Barrett and Sheamus vs Neville and Ziggler

Bad
1
raw was only 3 hours
2 next week isn’t in montreal
3 Tamina stinks

Trailer Nihilism: Mad Max

I guess by now everyone is sick of me running down franchises and comic book movies. So I figured telling you why a reboot of a great franchise sucks. By the time a movie gets to it’s 3rd incarnation things are pretty terrible, by 4? Disaster. Alien3 and Indiana Jones were both very acceptable but largely the franchises tend to become piles of lifeless shit, the only thing worse are reboots of franchises. The new Predator movies are so bad I can barely get through them a 18th and 19th time. Indiana Jones and Crystal Skull turned me off to the whole series, now I root for the goddamn Nazis, even in non-Indiana Jones movies.

Mad Max was probably the 2nd movie series I got behind, maybe it was the armored school bus, maybe it was Lord Humongus, maybe it was the shithead with the razor boomerang, but this series filled me with wonder and delight. There I was, fantasizing about my mom and me being killed so my dad could go enact revenge by murdering people with his car. God I wish I was dead for my father’s glory. Imagine how laid my dad would be in the future if we were out of the way? Anyways, the original series probably could be improved on, but not right now during what has been the current climate of film. Same writer/director advancing the Max story isn’t as bad as it could be, but in some ways it’s worse when a guy starts to felate himself and make things way too complex just because of how much he has over thought the reality we are all only asking to enjoy on a surface level for at most 90-100 minutes. See: Matrix trilogy

0:03
Oh it’s Tom Hardy, the guy eveyrone insists is great but is yet to be in a movie that is above a 6/10. The closest to being good were Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy(and he is barely in that) and Warrior, which is just slightly bad. It’s not a horror show of grandeoise nonsense like Lawless where life is treated like an inexhaustible well. Or the suspiciously lacking Locke. It’s just not good, it hit the green and rolled off into the water. Not a disaster, had a lot of room to be great, opted to do something else. Anyways, Hardy looks like Bane here, which already has me reeling as to how bad this movie can be.

0:33
Oh aren’t you just the scariest. Post Apocalyptic technology always looks stupid to me. I guess this is left over from what I really dreaded about Water World, besides the run time. I just find everyone’s view of the future to be disappointing. Like if this is the best we can all do maybe we should all stop as a society and collectively march into the sea. I see the future is right for drab eye make up and showy breathing apparati. It must be exhausting to be a warlord in the future, you probably get your start by killing everyone who says you look like a dick. By then you’re basically Hitler, in mascara and scuba gear. Also I know it’s the future but if you are reduced to peering through a telescope then fuck off.

0:40
Anybody care to explain the physics and installation method behind this? A safe in a wall huh? We are in a post nuclear fall out bastardized society but somehow we got a hydraulic lift and some plasma welders in place not to mention dig out a limestone cavern to create the vault? The future is for assholes. Why is this guy dressed like Kabal from MK3? This is the bad guy? Someone who can be defeated by a hose being pulled out of a respirator? The bad guy is someones grand mother in a fucking space suit. I hope I die after I submit this article, the future sucks.

0:52
Ahhh over the top stupid violence, I missed you. I’m in with this movie. Car battle scenes are kind of dominated by this other franchise which is infinitely better. I always enjoy a good chase scene. Chases can be muddled up by people jumping car to car with spears but when the franchise is built on it, I can’t take away points. I also miss wide shots of races. Maybe go nuts and show me these cars are actually happening and not just tight shots of the actor’s faces.

Lots of dirt, seems like a bad idea to just roam wastelands when there is tar and buildings in other places. I mean honestly what happens if life is better elsewhere? I’m also supposed to be led to believe that no one here enjoys water? In the future everyone has a strong ‘fuck trees’ policy? What do the henchmen get out of this life? I serve the gent with the clown make up in the aqua lung and my prize is dust in my eyes and dirt in my teeth? Come on guys, a change is gonna come.

1:13
Oh good, CGI. I’m out on this crap, Who knew when I was enjoying the first 3 movies that they could be improved on with cold computer graphics making a mess on the screen with the addition of a sand storm. Remember explosions? I watched Demolition Man a couple days ago, and the movie begins with an entire building legitimately blowing the fuck up. That never happens anymore. Remember when movies would spend their budget on stunts and pyro rather than special effects? Money now goes to some Korean woman; going frame by frame, for 3 months, making it so all the parts that blow off the cartoon truck look as good as she can. Meanwhile, you could’ve just blown the truck up in real life and not been such a pussy. I’m out on this movie. I’m not sitting through Final Fantasy cutscenes.

1:22
Ok I’m back in. Nothing makes me happier than bizarre oppulance giving birth to radical practices. If I was a warlord in some desert of death I would want some deep bass drum accompanyment to my armada of offroad vehicles driven by powdered up henchmen. I know I’m losing men at a rapid pace and this is my most difficult adversary to date, but I’d rather get my dick kicked in than leave my symphonic percussion truck unmanned. This reminds me of a Behemoth video

ust worse and not as good and bad. The future will be awesome as long as there is over the top musical numbers performed by slaves.

1:34
Back out. Firmly out. This looks stupid. This looks like bad sephia toned computer blurry who gives a fuck. Was this movie filmed with an instagram filter? We are in the desert so let’s just make everything orange. I’m tired of this pallett and I’m watching a 150 second trailer. What is the plan for the audience who sees this movie? “Bring blueblocker sunglasses if you want to feel like you are seeing an actual thing”. Also how long is this sandstorm and why did you add it into the movie? Tornadoes of sand. Yeah great, the original Mad Max movies were so terrible with out a setpiece brought to you by Lucas technologies.

1:46
Back in. Nathan Jones with a Doom gun and a Lecter mask. God is he scary and a terrible wrestler. God I hope he dies in a fantastic way….hope something cool happens to his character too.

1:54
Sometimes when people get money to make a movie they really don’t know what to do with it. The Budget of the first Mad Max movie was $400k. Thunderdome was 12 million. Fury Road is 150 million. George Miller is prepared to use every fucking dime of it to make an ass out of himself. Pyro guitar players hooked up to gasoline powered amplifiers, we finally meet. I didn’t know how much I needed you in my life, but now that you are here boy do I feel silly for going so long without you.

2:12
Sigh. CGI. CGsigh. Back out. If you are the creator of this franchise and you are proud of what you made, how can you add this to it? Like I know what I made before was revered and still discussed widely as one of the better movies of the genre, how can you think a tornado of fire and sand is missed. Fire tornado complete with sand and sand. Why not just not add things just to do it?

2:14
Back in!!!!! Fuck yes explosions! Where have you been?!? It’s like my dad is back home and my parents are going to give it another shot! Hoping he can stay away from the computer animation as long as he can. He is just a man though, and insurance for movies costs a lot, and graphics will never sue you.

ComicCast: Flutter Vol 2

Jennie Wood is back to share more Flutter! Volume 2’s Kickstarer is currently underway with 13 days left to go and less than $500 away from its goal! Written by Jennie  with art by Jeff McComsey (of FUBAR fame).

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AlternaPodcast: Cannons In The Clouds

This week’s episode features Alterna Comics’ Cannons in the Clouds. Series creators Daniel Woolley and Anne Gresham join me to share their wonderful world of Sky Pirates.

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The Morning After Extreme Rules 2015

Where the Rules are Extremed

Extreme Rules is fine. There you go, fine. Thoroughly average. It’s a night of gimmicked up matches that ultimately mean next to nothing as the transition out of Wrestlemania into Summer Slam begins, in like a month. Until then, matches. I blew off seeing the Young Bucks in Providence for this shit? Tonight could peak at 6/10and that is only if all the matches are very good+ to great. Asking Orton to do ‘great’ at Extreme Rules will be like asking him for an autograph after a 15 hour flight. So good luck. Not negative enough? Daniel Bryan won’t be wrestling and there is a chance he either needs surgery and will be gone multiple months OR his career is over…. Extreme Rules is live from Chic-FUCK here come some CM Punk chants.

ON TO THE PRESHOW!!!

Wow…a preshow for Extreme Rules. Does it get worse? Byron Saxton, Not quite CM Punk guy from NXT, Booker T being hosted by Renee Young? Sounds great! Let’s listen in…
“for the first time in his career Big Show is a part of something”
All right, never mind.

Bad News Barrett vs Neville

After a very good match that I hope isn’t the match of the night, Neville hits Red Arrow on Barrett for the 123. Barrett losing kind of breaks my heart, but in the name of Neville promotion I will allow it.

April’s 4th best wrestling PPV begins!!!

Chicago Street Fight
Luke Harper vs Dean Ambrose

I assume this feud started over an argument for who retained the rights of a vest at a clothing store for vagrants and drifters. So either Harper wins and gets elevated or Ambrose wins and still is a 3rd tier face that everyone thinks should be higher. Ambrose and Harper take a Smackdown effort level into this match before they go backstage and hit each other with various aluminum props before getting in a black suburban and driving away. I wish they would take me with them. More on this feud at Not Summer Slam in May.

Kiss Me Arse Match
Dolph Ziggler vs Sheamus

Let’s just get this over with shall we?

So…who wants to explain to me the motive for Sheamus to want Dolph to kiss his ass?
Lawler “thats what this match is all about” No, Jerry I’m afraid I am going to need a little bit more from you on this topic. Sheamus wanting Ziggler to submit and kiss his ass does nothing for the argument against the ‘wrestling is gay’ statement that plagues the fans of the sport.

Dolph has been teasing quitting the WWE on twitter, again. Remember when Ryback was quitting? Remember when Dolph was in various dog houses for all the things he has tweeted? Maybe the internet should stop getting so worked by Ziggler and his social media and his WWE status, and this is coming from someone who thought Vince would push Bryan.

This is a very good match with a ridiculous stipulation hanging over it and destroying the commentary, This match could be perfection(it isn’t) and the commentary team will ensure this will end up on some top 10 ridiculous matches list 5 years from now on a countdown show non-feature on The Network. Ziggler wins by a roll up and I wish Sheamus could tag me in and I take his place.

After 5 minutes of teasing Sheamus decides to beat down Ziggler and rub his ass on his unconscious face rather than go through with the stipulation he picked. Truly the most heel thing he’s done since he was a face.

Tag Team Championship Match
Tyson Kidd and Cesaro w/ Natty (c) vs Kofi Kingston and Big E w/ Xavier Woods

Are the New Day legit heels or is being in Chicago with a PPV audience against Cesaro and Kidd not a real determiner? They are in the heel corner. Woods is a great wrestler/manager for 2015, the camera gets near him and his exasperation and disbelief with the crowd’s boos for him and his team is just brilliant. Cesaro and Big E have a pissing match via multiple strength spots and the match concludes with New Day winning the titles. I have no complaints, providing this heel turn actually happens and matters. So look for complaints from me in a month.

Chicago Street Fight Part 2
Luke Harper vs Dean Ambrose

So during a bad backstage segment with Renee Young and the New Day the black suburban. I kind of like the idea of a match being interrupted with silliness. Maybe I just want to see anything other than what I am currently expecting to see. Ambrose hits his finisher on a pile of chairs and this match is over. Part 2 infinitely more enjoyable than the disjointed terrible part one, exactly like the X-Men movies. Hopefully part 3 never happens, like the X-Men movies.

United States Championship Match
Rusev w/Lana vs John Cena (c)

Why am I watching the rest of this show? This match was pretty much the main event for me, maybe this is all related to the light display system they use in bull rope matches. Ziggler vs Sheamus was pretty physical, this match will probably hurt to watch, and the crowd will chant for Punk the entire time.

Lana chased off early by Rusev for acknowledging her cheers. Great heel move. When Cena broke the Accolade at Wrestlemania it was a cool moment, but when Cena does it at Back-excuse me Extreme Rules it kind of just becomes a thing. Cena wins in a really well managed match with a great climax and was deservingly cheered for it. The feud is not over however.

Can I stop watching now?

Divas Title Match
Naomi vs Nikki Bella(c) w/Brie Bella

Hey….who is the face in this match? Certainly isn’t Brie’s awful hat. Naomi is here for physically assaulting the number one contender. Congrats to JBL for steamrolling Cole doing actual match commentary to set up and finish a joke about JBL being old, or something. Why is everyone convinced Naomi is good again? Athleticism? That’s it? Brie interferes to cheers from the crowd as Naomi loses in a match where roles and narrative can just fuck itself. Congrats Naomi, you were beaten by cheating by the biggest heels in the division, and still booed. I guess that’s good considering her fake heel turn a couple weeks ago.

Last Man Standing Match
Big Show vs Roman Reigns

Big Show’s goal is to make Reigns the biggest failure in WWE’s history. He has a lot of failed Big Show pushes to get ahead of. This match, this feud, this night couldn’t mean less. Roman Reigns takes a Chokeslam from inside the ring, through two tables, gets up before the count of ten. This is the equivalent of kicking out of 5 Tombstones in the Undertaker Wrestlemania False Finish-meter. Reigns runs up the ring steps, across the table and Spears Big Show through the Spanish announce table, and I realize that in 2015, Big Show was involved in the match of the night at a PPV. Great match.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Roman Reigns has arrived tonight” Thanks Michael, I guess winning The Rumble and headlining Wrestlemania 31 meant nothing.

Bo Dallas Segment!!!

Finally. Bo Dallas is so great he gets the crowd to boo the idea of treating each other better. Ryback comes out and unjustly puts an end to the segment.

RKO barred, Cage Match WWE Heavyweight Championship Match
Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins (c)

Rollins picks no RKO, which adds an element of silly narrative of Orton having to act like he’s frustrated not being able to get to use his finisher. Acting, not one of his strong points. Orton picks a Cage match to keep out The Authority because apparently he’s never seen a cage match before. I can’t believe Kane is playing an important role in this match. As much as I know good things don’t last, it is really enjoyable to see a match involving Rollins not be a slave to the idea of him as a chicken shit heel relying on outside interference, for 10 minutes. Then we are back to basics.

Superplex. Hangman DDT. Punt attempt. Orton even hits a Pedigree. Ultimately this match becomes a will he or won’t he for Kane, which is a disgusting microcosm for our life as wrestling fans. The WWE in late 2014-mid 2015 has been scarred with the refusal to accept that Kane and Big Show just aren’t important. A dilemma of morality vs duty with Kane being the fulcrum of a ppv is a complete disaster. Kane decides to Chokeslam both parties before ultimately choosing Rollins and The Authority in what has been a complete exercise in who gives a shit. RKO on Kane. RKO on Orton by Rollins, which apparently isn’t banned and Rollins escapes the cage and we have not escaped Kane and The Authority and the idea that they are something we should be seeing.

Spot of the Night
Ziggler pulling his pants up and showing his ass

Tonight’s Haiku
Dolph Ziggler’s bare ass.
Dolph’s delicious perfect ass.
Dolph’s ass in my face.

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Seeing partial nudity on Dolph Ziggler
2 Show vs Reigns
3 Bo Dallas

Bad
1
No Bryan
2 Harper vs Ambrose
3 Naomi

A Sit Down with Chris LeRusso and Jock Samson

The Casual Heroes sit down with Chris LeRusso and Jock Samson, not at the same time that would just be silly, to talk Remix Pro Wrestling’s Throwdown for the Pound Chances Eleven.

 

Make sure to follow Remix Pro Wrestling @remixpro and on Facebook at /remixprowrestling.   Buy tickets for the next Remix show Chance’s 11 at remixmain.weebly.com.

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Trailer Nihilism: Batman v Superman

Oh come the fuck on. No way this is an actual movie. What a stupid idea for a movie. What a stupid culture we live in where a movie like this can even be made? Superman could just think and murder Batman in a split second. He could cave the Batcave in. He could throw the Batmobile into the Sun. He could use laser beams and melt the fucking Batarang. What else does Batman have? The ridiculous cell phone tracker thing? This isn’t even a fight. Batman better get someone on his side and fast. Batman could eat Alfred. Turn this movie off. Donate the money to charity.

What sucks most is this is now where we are at with comic book movies. Movie villains are so thoroughly lacking in charisma and the ability to change an audience’s perspective that we have these two boring super clowns tickling each other for 2 hours. The Avengers team up to fight an army of space bugs, or in the new one, a robot. Iron Man fought a robot. Wolverine fought a robot. Hulk fought a giant other Hulk thing with no personality. Captain America fought a genetically enhanced super soldier who didn’t talk. Batman fought Bane, kind of, he sucked anyways. Guardian’s of the Galaxy had to fight some space robot. Thor fought some space robot. This is terrible.

Why even make a movie at this point? No one buys comics anymore, just make newer interesting people who are modernized and have actual characterizations and personalities and show them grow or change or fucking die for all I care. The last thing America needs is to take another Batman movie seriously. Why do I have a feeling it will take Incredibles 2 to give everyone the much needed market correction on how super hero movies are to be made?

0:22

Who? Ok, I took a break(20 seconds in) and IMDB’d him, and now I have a much less of an idea as to who he is. Who is this? Is this where they will save money? Give Affleck some back end % of the money the film makes and fund a couple of his pet projects and get a bunch of nobodies? Get the failed new Conan? Get Gisele from Fast and Furious? Get Amy Adams when no woman in Hollywood can make any movie for fear of being priced out of all the good roles and reduced to becoming what’s left of Sandra Bullock? Save all the big money for Facebook movie kid, the bad guy from Die Hard 3 and Cherry Valence? How cheap can a movie get? I guess DC is learning from the RDjr mistake, but still, why? Superman is supposed to be an overwhelming presence. This guy looks like a Don Draper Halloween costume. Also shouts to La Parka in the background, I assume he will be the Chairman of the Justice League.

0:31

Yeah this looks great. Totally looks real and not just a pile of lifeless cartoon graphics. People already have no connection to Superman so why even have him be a real person in a shot like this? Glad America is waiting at baited breath to sit through a non-animated animated feature. The voice over from Neil Degrasse Tyson is just nauseating. America’s favorite scientist, by default, because no one can fucking name another. Whatever he has 2 last names, his parents got divorced because he sucks and has the face of a muppet. Movie comes out 03/25/16 which gives me less than 11 months to figure out how to die. Fingers crossed guys!

0:58

Well this took a turn. If I was superman there is no shit way I would let anyone deface my tribute statue. Throw the first guy to make that mistake 100 miles into the ocean and turn to the rest of the city and say ‘let that be a lesson’. Superman isn’t here to fuck around and have people ruin his reputation. MY NAME IS MY NAME! It’s bad enough I’m expected to save every person who runs out in front of a train, now you guys are ruining the one thing you can give back to me? Admiration? I would turn back time, boil the ocean to kill those one celled organisms humans spawned from with my laser sight beam vision thing and fly away from this shit rock. Fuck this! At least it’s an outward reaction though. Not some shitty YouTube comment from someone saying that I should’ve put out the burning building and not just saved everyone in it. The internet is full of such shitty negative people, I don’t know how anyone can stand it. Anyways this movie is for stupid assholes.

1:08

HERE WE GO!!!!! Now you’re talking! God, look at that morose look of entitled gloomy disgust with society. I love you Ben, don’t ever change. Bale’s Batman always made me sick. His voice stinks, his demeanor was insulting, everything about him seemed disingenuous. It wasn’t even until Joseph Gordon Levitt showed up in that shit show of a 3rd installment before Batman even got any relativity to his past and his current self. Affleck can’t do peaks, but he is really good at sustained sulk. The guy is like a walking Cure cd. Hopefully the movie isn’t ruined by him having to be Batman or anything. A Bruce Wayne study of the human condition from a miserable rich misanthrope would be a million times more entertaining than some dumb movie with 2 guys in costumes.

1:13

Damn it.

1:24

Jet ships again? We just will never accept that Helicopters exist, will we future? CGI ships will be the death of me. It’s like the future is just covered in hovering jet engined one person air vehicles doing nothing but being semi-menacing and filmed from behind. This can’t be the best idea everyone has can it? Either it’s time someone to admit they are stealing from another movie or everyone has come to the same conclusion as to what a flying jet in the future will look like. At least this one looks like it would get off the ground. I still have no idea how much fuel one of these fuckers would use. Those engines look like two suns firing up the night sky. How did this plane sneak up on anyone? I guess if this is the Batwing stealth can just go suck a invisible dick.

1:36

What is this? Why is Batman in an Iron Man suit? This is the Superman fightin’ suit? Also, nicely done to have Batman’s voice done through a computerized speaker system, remove everything about the human inside so you are watching a cartoon fight a cartoon with out any recognizable characteristics from the person you watched the first hour and a half of this film. So you took the one thing The Avengers could do with Iron Man, give him RDjr’s voice and show his face in the suit and throw it away. Effectively destroying the human element. So now we actually have a robot voice as two CGI’d humans have a bad CGI fight until one of them is finished and we all know that they are joining together by the end. Why not just CGI an audience? You paid for Affleck(who isn’t necessarily a major draw at this point anyways) and you throw him in a mask, under a suit of armor? Then you let the culturally obscure Superman fight without any sort of face guard, in completely animated action sequences filled with scenes we’ve seen from other movies(assuming because fuck you they’re lazy). Here’s a spoiler, Batman is a less super Iron Man with much less personality and no one gives a fuck that he’s a really good detective or he won’t kill anyone or he has a tortured past or he’s really good at devising plans because modern super hero movies have no time for any of those elements or backstory, and I’m not sure I even miss them.

Superman could freeze him with freezey breath and smash him. Also Superman has laser eyes and frost breath huh? Not one or the other, but both. Why even write a second story for him? Superman should be a 20 minute animated short that would receive no Oscar consideration. Seriously, invulnerability is not the basis for a character any human being can relate or enjoy seeing the plight of.There was Superman, someone thought about doing something wrong then eventually thought better of it, or was instantly thwarted, the end. Riveting. Can’t believe this franchise hasn’t turned a single worth while live action project yet the guy is so compelling.Here’s a secret. Daniel Day Lewis being directed by Kurosawa featuring Tony Ja fighting choreography with James Cameron special effects would make still put out a boring Superman project, because Superman. Stinks.